


Jyrus - Escape

by Straight_Forward_Banana



Category: Andi Mack - Fandom
Genre: Gen, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 21:05:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16227317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Straight_Forward_Banana/pseuds/Straight_Forward_Banana
Summary: Cyrus Goodman needs a escape from his life, so he leaves a note gets a one way ticket out of here. What caused Cyrus to do this? How will others react? Will others be joining him on the other side? The pain of living like this was too overpowering. I had to escape... somehow. If only the world was not cruel, I would still be here with you. This is my final goodbye, I'm sorry.





	Jyrus - Escape

**Author's Note:**

> From the title you all already know that this is a Jyrus fanfiction, but what you don't know yet is that this story is a story that Cyrus is telling you, the audience. NOTE: This is not a romance story despite it saying Jyrus, it is actually only half Jyrus. This story is about suicide so if that does not interest you, I strongly advise you to find another story to read. If you have not clicked off yet, I am guessing you are staying, so here is the story.

**Jyrus - Escape** ****

**Cyrus's Story**

I am Cyrus Goodman, a gay teen that is writing this as a farewell note.

For all of you reading this, I am already dead.

What could possible lead to a young teen like me taking their own life as a way of escape from this cruel game called life were there are no winners only survivors, which I am not a survivor?

Well I am about to tell you.

It all started when I met the most amazing guy ever, Jonah Beck.

I met him while watching The Space Otter's team play ultimate frisbee.

The only reason I went to watch, was because one of my best friends Andi recently joined the team.  

I always felt different from the other boys at school, not as good looking or as strong or into guy stuff like sports.

The reason I felt different was because I am different.

I did not just like this Jonah kid, I loved him.

He turned my world upside down, he made me come to the conclusion that I am gay.

Out of all the words to describe how I felt about being gay I only needed one.

Fear.

Sure there were other words to describe it but fear overpowered all of my emotions.

Fear of the unknown, fear of not fitting in, fear of being alone, fear of getting bullied, fear of not being accepted, fear of not finding love, fear of losing my friends.

You get the idea that there were so many things for me to fear all wrapped around on rope dangling off a cliff.

They would remain safe and secure from the rope.

Until me being gay came along adding a new fear to the rope.

It made the rope very unstable and weak.

Each day it got weaker and weaker as the fear of being gay increased each day getting heavier and bigger.

I could not take it anymore it was either I break down and release my fear of being gay by coming out or the rope breaks destroying my life.

What option did I decide on doing?

If you keep on reading I will tell you.

You might be thinking why are my fears so strong?

And to that I can not give a answer, I would have liked to have known why myself.

I thought that maybe hanging out with Andi and Buffy made me gay.

They both liked guys and maybe I just did the same, because I hung out with them so much.

I tried doing research to find out if I am gay.

I learned just because I had dated a girl does not make me straight.

Also that I am the only one that can determine if I am gay.

This quest of finding out my sexuallity would be difficult.

Since I had already dated a girl, Iris, I thought maybe I should try a guy.

Problem was only one guy interested me.

That one guy is the Jonah Beck.

The most attractive person I have ever seen, he is flawless, perfect to be exact.

I am so much smaller than the rest of the guys at school.

I was definitely a late bloomer for puberty.

Weak, helpless, unpopular, and lame, those are things that I am that Jonah is not.

So why would Jonah ever wanna date me?

The answer is simple, he wouldn't.

But deep inside me I longed to be with Jonah and felt that there is a slight chance of us happening.

The only way for me to find out and that only way is to ask him.

The thing holding me back from asking him out?

Once again my fears.

I used to control my life but now I don't feel like myself anymore, and my fears limit me from doing things ultimately controlling my life.

Asking Jonah or at least talking to him would not be easy.

He is so popular that it is hard to get some alone time with him.

Whenever I do get time with Jonah my body just shuts down and I get nervous like I can't do simple human interactions with him.

It is crazy to think that I could love Jonah, despite all the pain he is causing me simply by just existing.

I had to tell someone that I was gay, I just couldn't hold it back any longer, it had to be someone who would support me.

Buffy, I had told Buffy that I am gay, well really just that I like Jonah, but still it meant that I am gay.

When it was time to tell her, she noticed I was not acting like my normal self.

She told me, your scaring me, and I told her, I'm scaring me too.

But that was not entirely the truth, I did not even know who me was at the time.

I just don't know how to explain it to you, yes I was scared but I was not scaring myself.

Anyways my parents are all hard core Jewish and would do bad things to me if they learned that I was gay.

It was not my fault I am gay, I did not choose to be this way.

If I could choose, I would be straight making none of these problems happen.

I had always talked with my parents about my feelings but these ones I just couldn't.

School became a problem for me.

I could not focus or do my work.

Lost in my own thoughts and worries, with a occasional fantasy of the Beck boy being gay, and dating me.

After school I spent my time doing my work I was supposed to do at school.

I hated myself so much for many reasons.

Gay being the main one for being the cause of other problems.

Other reasons included being too afraid to be myself, being too weak, not having a strong willpower.

To make matters worse there was no way now that I was going to ask Jonah out since my best friend Andi is dating him.

It is super soul crushing to see your friend, that is suppose to help you, date the one only one you will ever want.

I wouldn't try to steal Jonah from Andi, and besides Jonah would not choose me over her.

Each time I saw how happy Andi is with Jonah I felt more and more like me and him would never ever happen.

Things only got worse from here.

I ended up telling Andi I was gay just to make her feel better about Jonah being complicated after he sorta broke up with her.

I knew it would not be long before Jonah moved onto another girl so I had to tell him now before it was too late.

Telling Jonah was the worst mistake of my life.

At first I told him that I like him and he told me the same thing.

It was clear he did not understand what I meant so I tell him, no I like like you.

In the brief moment waiting for his response, my hopes were soaring up high into the sky.

Until they suddenly crashed into a plane and fell back down, and died and went to hell and burned for eternity.

After what Jonah told me I wanted to join my hopes, in death.

I am such a fucking worthless piece of shit for thinking there was the slightest chance of us being together.

Jonah was not pleased to learn I am gay for him, he thinks I am a freak and I am gross and he doesn't want to hang around me anymore, it makes him feel uncomfortable knowing there a gay kid near him, wanting him.

Why couldn't Jonah have reacted like Andi or Buffy?

I felt like I would never love anything or anyone again.

And I was right about how I felt.

All the kids at school learned I was gay because of Jonah telling some of his friends that ended up telling the whole school.

Kids stared at me like I didn't belong.

Their eyes watching me, made me feel like I was wrong and that I should not exist.

One of the biggest thoughts in my mind came from a student's mouth at school towards me.

The kid told me, God has made very many beautiful things that are great, I am just wondering why on this amazing Earth would he create such FUCKING  FILTHY TRASH like you.

He was right I am trash, why did god create me.

I knew it was wrong to be gay and the kids at school helped teach me that.

I started getting bullied.

I hated school so much, I did not want to go anymore.

Some of Amber's friends that were guys around my age pretended to be gay and told me they were gay and like me.

I was easily tricked by them by how badly I wanted some love.

I ended up saying yes to one of them that asked me out.

He dumped me in front of other kids and he said stuff like he is not gay and even if he was, he would never go out with a faggot like me.

Soon after that another kid came out as gay to me while I was in the bathroom crying from the pain that others had caused me.

He was actually gay and interested in me.

But it was too soon after I got tricked and I was dumb and thought it was another trick so I told him no that would never date him.

He ended up going out with another guy I did not know was gay.

This made me feel so much more worse.

I got tricked into thinking I would get love.

I screwed up my only chance at getting a boyfriend.

Seeing them be together made me want that badly, and what made this situation worse is knowing I could of had that if I was not so fucking stupid.

I hated myself for being gay so much I had to punish myself.

I convinced myself I would become straight through self discipline.

For each day I was still not straight I would cut myself on the forearm once.

It was not long until both my arms were covered with cuts.

I was going crazy I had lost so much blood but I could not stop myself.

Buffy suspected something was up when I still wore long sleeves when it was hot out.

She knew I was hiding something.

She quickly found out in have been cutting myself.

She thought she could help me, so she told my parents.

My parents hated me for being gay, but at least they were happy I was getting punished.

I couldn't live like this anymore.

I didn't want to live like this anymore.

I wasn't going to live like this anymore.

One day I decided to write this note you are currently reading, so the whole world knows why I did what I did.

This is it.

I am going to kill myself by laying on the railroad tracks and get ran over by a speeding train.

I had to escape my cruel life.

This was the only escape I could find or think of.

Don't shed a tear for me now.

If you had shed a tear for me before this when I needed love, I would not be in this mess.

Don't feel bad for me, no one else did.

I won't have to live with this excruciating pain much longer.

If only I lived in a place where it was okay to be gay.

In fact I feel sorry for all of you. 

I have found my escape, what about you?

**End Of Cyrus's Suicide Note**

Cyrus Goodman was found dead shortly after his parents read his note.

The only thing that Cyrus left besides this note was guilt.

After Jonah found out about this he felt it was mainly his fault for Cyrus taking his own life.

Did he care that Cyrus was dead?

Not really he was kinda happy to have the world rid of one more gay.

But he could not stop the feeling of guilt.

It hung over all the bullies and Cyrus's parents, just anyone that was a reason why Cyrus committed suicide.

No one could get rid of the feeling of guilt pushing down on them.

Maybe they should of thought about their actions. ****  
  


 

Chapter 2 - Jonah’s Fault

**Jonah’s P.O.V.**

I thought I would be happy with Cyrus being gone.

My thought was wrong, Cyrus being gone brought great pain to me.

Why though, I hate gay people.

I liked Cyrus as a friend, before I knew who he really was.

His note he left makes it sound like I am the one that is responsible for his death.

If I did bring pain to Cyrus, why did he not tell me?

Cyrus's death is the most talked about thing at school.

No one cared to talk about him before he took his own life.

I'm going crazy, it can't possibly be my fault, could it?

No it can't, be my fault, I treated him nicer than what he deserved.

In fact he got what he deserved, death.

Wait, what am I saying, he was my friend.

I think, it didn't sound like we were friends in his suicide note.

I don't know anymore.

I need to sort these thoughts out.

Other kids did worse than me, why did Cyrus try n’ blame me for what he done?

“Jonah” Andi said, while waving her hand in front of me.

“Huh, what” I snapped back into reality.

She replied “You've been staring at that tree for over 4 minutes, without saying anything”.

“Oh, sorry I was just thinking, its nothing”.

Andi looked worried, “Wanna talk about it?”.

“Nope, Im fine, I was just thinking about Cyrus’s Note”.

“What about the note?” she asked curiously.

“He made it sound like it was my fault” I looked down at my lap.

Next thing I knew, her hand was under my chin lifting my head up to face her, “Jonah, this was not your fault, you didn’t know”.

Tears welled up in my eyes, knowing I can’t tell Andi the truth, or as a matter of fact anyone.

She wrapped her arms around me, and I did the same.

She held me in closely, while I buried my head in her shoulder.

No tears left my eyes.

“I’m sorry, I gotta go” I whispered into her ear before leaving the park to go home.

“Wait!” she yelled at me.

I couldn’t wait, I had to get away from her, I can’t let her see me crying.

I picked up my pace, not sure if she was following or not.

My tears fogged up my vision, but I could still tell where I was going, I didn’t even look back once.

When I got home, I rushed past my mom, upstairs, into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

I collapsed face down onto my bed.

“AH, FUCK!” I gasped out, as I felt a sharp stabbing pain on my stomach.

I immediately lifted up and pulled out the object beneath me and throw it across the room, it was my phone charger.

I layed there on my bed until I caught my breath from rushing home, then I flipped around and stared at the ceiling fan.

I have not got much of any sleep after Cyrus died, worried that my secret will get out.

The fan started to move.

It increased speed and spun even faster, and faster.

Soon it was going max speed, but I was still able to track the blades moving.

My head was spinning faster than the fan, I couldn’t look at it anymore.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

When I opened my eyes again I noticed something weird.

The fan was motionless, it has not moved this whole time.

I am going crazy.

I can’t sleep, I’m seeing things now.

This terrible secret is tearing me apart, I need to let it out.

My heart rate picked up speed and I started breathing rapidly.

I can’t tell anyone this secret.

I need to tell everyone this secret.

I don’t want anyone to know.

I know that they need to know the truth.

I don’t know what to do.

I sobbed to myself “I was the one who made Cyrus kill himself, I didn’t help him, I told him to do it. I’m a monster”.

After laying there for what felt like 16 minutes, I got up and out of my room to find out I was up there for about 2 hours.

Neither of parents had come up there to check on me, and my mom even saw me with tears streaming down my face and didn’t even say anything.

Typical, they don’t care for me, they usually just ignore me.

God I hate them.

Why do I care that they ignore me, like for real I fucking hate them.

**After Dinner**

I was still in the living room on the couch.

My mom was already in her bedroom.

My dad turned out all the lights and told me to keep quite since he was aslo going to bed.

Once again like every night, I go to sleep alone, I don’t ever get a hug from my parents or I don’t ever get to hear a, goodnight.

“Goodnight” I weakly said to myself while hugging myself.

It is not as good as it would be if it was my parents or at least just one of them.

I turned off the TV and pulled out my phone and stretched out along the couches length.

I read through me and Cyrus’s text messages.

After that I went to the bathroom and got ready for bed.

When I got into my bed I wrapped myself tightly with my blankets.

Andi had sent me a message earlier, but I didn’t care to read it, until now.

The message read *Hey, babe :) What’s bothering you? U know u can tell me anything.*

I responded back *Hey :’( A secret has been tearing me apart, I haven’t told anyone. I can share it with you tomorrow, okay? Goodnight*

Andi sent back *Okay, night, hope u feel better after letting it out :|*

I had another restless night of tossing and turning.

I have not had sleep in so long that I actually feel asleep, for the first time in a while.

The last thought that entered my mind was, Cyrus’s funeral is tomorrow, I’m not sure if I can handle going to that.

**The Very Next Day**

I did my normal routine, grab clothes take a shower, style hair, eat breakfast, go to school.

When I arrived at school it was nice outside so Buffy and Andi were sitting at one of the outside picnic tables.

Andi noticed me walking over first, and called out “Hey Jonah” with smile while waving to me.

I waved back, and returned a smile, that quickly faded away when I remembered that I was gonna share my secret with Andi.

I sat down, and tried to relax, because I was nervous about showing her.

“Hello, are either of you going to the funeral today?” I asked them.

Buffy replied “Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”.

Andi said “Of course, are you?”.

I swallowed before letting out “I don’t know, it might be to much for me to handle”, I looked away from both of them.

I looked back when Andi started talking again, “Jonah, is this about that secret of yours?”.

Buffy quickly added “What secret, is she talking about?”.

I told both of them “Yeah, it is my fault that Cyrus is dead, I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have said”.

Buffy looked angry at me “Are you kidding me, my best friend is dead because of you! I HATE YOU!”.

I knew I couldn’t tell anyone.

This was a mistake.

Andi said “Buffy, stop! It probably isn’t as bad as it sounds, is it?”.

I knew I had to continue going and let it all out, “It is actually worse than that, both of you need to read my text messages with Cyrus. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know what I was doing”.

“Oh god, Jonah, I can’t believe you”.

Tears welled up in my eyes, after hearing them both upset with me.

I got out my phone, and pulled up the conversation, “Here, I gotta go, I will get it back at lunch”.

Buffy nodded and I handed my phone off to Andi, and went inside the school.

I didn’t want to be around either of them, when they read it.

I hated Cyrus for being gay, but I hated myself more for what I done to him.

There is only one person to blame for Cyrus commiting suicide, and that person is me.

It was my fault.

**** Chapter 3 - The Messages

**Jonah & Cyrus Messages**

Cyrus- Hey

Jonah- Sup, what up

Cyrus- Duh, the opposite of down

Jonah- Why can't you just be happy

Cyrus- Lots of freaking reasons

Jonah- Like

Cyrus - Don’t play dumb, you already know

Jonah- I'm not, wait is this about me rejecting you

Cyrus- Yeah, you done it in front if everyone

Jonah- You could have told me in private

Cyrus- I didn't though, I honestly thought you liked me

Jonah- Well how did that work out for ya

Cyrus- I hate you

Jonah- That's not what you said earlier

Cyrus- I came out for you

Jonah- I never told you to do that

Cyrus- You could have at least let me down easy

Jonah- You could have been normal like everyone and like girls

Cyrus- It's not my fault that I don't like girls

Jonah- It's certainly not my fault either

Cyrus- Then who’s fault is it

Jonah- Idk and it don't matter, cuz it is your problem to deal with not anyone else's

Cyrus- Friends help each other with their problems

Jonah- But your particular problem we can't help you with

Cyrus- Are you sure you don't have feelings for me

Jonah- Cyrus listen I'm not gay or bisexual, I will never have feelings for you

Cyrus- But Jonah I love you

Jonah- No you don't, you don't much about me, can't you just find someone else, who will love you

Cyrus- No I can't, I don't want anyone else, I want you

Jonah- This is why I don't wanna be friends with you anymore

Cyrus- Why, cuz I'm a gay faggot

Jonah- Sorta, I don't like that ur gay, but it’s just that you like me

Cyrus- Well I don't like that I'm gay either, but I can't help it

Jonah- So, you could of kept it to urself

Cyrus- No I couldn't it was tearing me apart keeping this secret from everyone, I was hiding the real me

Jonah- Anyway the point is I don't want a gay guy gushing over me

Cyrus- This is stupid, my sexuality shouldn't ruin our friendship

Jonah- Isn't it hurting you being around me, knowing that we will never be together

Cyrus- Yes, but I still like being around you

Jonah- See I don't wanna be around you anymore and it's hurting you, so for both of us, let's stop being friends

Cyrus- Jonah I hate you, you broke my heart and then crushed it again even though it was already broken

Jonah- Well good I fucking hate you too

Cyrus- I hate you for crushing my heart, but my heart still longs for you

Jonah- Seriously Cyrus, go and find someone else to bug

Cyrus- I don't wanna find someone else, I already find you

Jonah- Guess ur going to be lonely forever

Cyrus- You don't know how it feels to have the one person you will ever love turn you down in the harshest way ever

Jonah- And you don't know what it is like to have a gay loser trying to make you feel like the bad guy for being straight

Cyrus- Is that what you really think of me, a gay faggot that's everything else like stupid and annoying and wrong and gross

Jonah- I didn't want to come out and say it, but I guess I have to, YES

Cyrus- No one will ever love me, why was I so dumb to think that a perfect guy like you would love a loser like me

Jonah- You already answered urself it's because ur dumb

Cyrus- Everyone hates me

Jonah- Just like they should, you deserve it

Cyrus- I don't wanna feel like this anymore

Jonah- Then kill yourself

Cyrus- Is that what everyone wants

Jonah- Yes it will rid the world of one more filthy fucking queer

Cyrus- I have already been cutting myself for each day, I am still gay

Jonah- The world will be much better off without you, like seriously why would god even create such garbage like you

Cyrus- IDK I cry almost every night because I hate myself

Jonah- Crying won't fix anything, but a bullet to the head would

Cyrus- I don't wanna live in a world where being gay isn't accepted

Jonah- Then don't, just do it already, we are all waiting

Cyrus- Maybe I will, I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL

Jonah- You wanna know why people bully you

Cyrus- I don't give a shit anymore

Jonah- It is because you deserve it for being gay

Cyrus- …. I can't take this anymore….

Jonah- Also wanna know why people say all these rude things to you

Cyrus- I already know why, it's because everyone is a homophobic bastard

Jonah- Nope, it's because all the mean things they say about you are true

Cyrus- I just want you to know one thing

Jonah- I also want you to know one thing

Cyrus- Oh yeah and what might that be

Jonah- You are worthless

Cyrus- When I do the world a favor and take my own life, I want you to know this is all your fault

Jonah- You won't actually do it, your too big of a weak baby

Cyrus- I may be weak and worthless but I'm not that stupid to sit around suffering from all the shit you people give me

Jonah- Liar, I know you too well

Cyrus- If you knew me you would have known I'm gay and love you more than anything

Jonah- If you knew me you would have known I'm straight like everybody else

Cyrus- Just you wait, I will be dead before you know it

Jonah- Sure… cya on Monday Cy Guy

Cyrus- No you won't, I will be rotting in hell where I belong, and that right there, that nickname is a reason why I thought you like me

Jonah- Nicknames are just a thing friends do

Cyrus- But we are not friends anymore, so why would you still call me by a nickname

Jonah- I was just being funny, can't you have a sense of humor

Cyrus- No Jonah, I can't I am literally on the edge of suicide

Jonah- Jeez Cyrus, it ain't like ur actually gonna do it

Cyrus- Fuck you, I'll show you

Jonah- Bet, you little gay fucker

**You Can't Reply To This Conversation Anymore,** **Learn More**

**** Chapter 4 - Karma’s Game

**Jonah’s P.O.V.**

**(Jonah just walked into the school after handing his phone off to Andi and Buffy to read his and Cyrus's messages)**

Why did I have to say that stuff to Cyrus.

I plop down at one of the breakfast tables and slouch.

You know that feeling of regret and you realize karma is real.

It's the feeling I got associated with a certain basketball team captain.

How did I never notice this beautiful creature before?

I’m falling for TJ.

How in the world is this possible, I’m straight, or so I thought.

Fuck I can't be bisexual.

I can't be.

There is no way.

I'm not like Cyrus.

For Christ sakes I just made him kill himself for being gay.

Everyone is gonna hate me.

I hate me.

If anyone finds out, I’ma end up killing myself just like Cyrus.

They didn't accept him, why would I be any different?

Simple I wouldn't.

I didn't accept Cyrus, and I can't accept myself.

I'm going crazy, I’m not bisexual.

I dated Amber and Andi.

Gawd I wonder what TJ’s hiding under those shorts of his.

Fuck, Jonah what the hell are you thinking.

“Jonah”.

“Hey, Jonah!” none other than TJ Kippen was calling my name.

I got startled by him, “Huh, what?” I asked.

The basketball boy responded “Your staring at me again”.

I nervously said “Oh um sorry I was ju…”, my voice trailed off into silence.

“Just what?” the captain asked eagerly.

I didn't know what to say, “Ahh uhh”, I swallow hard, “Nothing”.

“You like what you see?” he asks with a smirk.

My cheeks heat up, “Pfth, naw”.

TJ chuckles a little, “Your blusing says different”.

I look down trying to hide the smile that I can’t keep off my face.

His hand pushes gently up on my chin till I am face to face with him.

I have never been this close to him before, his eyes are illuminating and bursting with vibrant color.

The basketball captain whispers softly “I know you like me just by the way you look at me, but it’s okay you look pretty promising to me”.

It sends shivers down my spine, I have to say something.

I didn’t want to lie to him, he’s right I do like him.

In a quiet voice I say “I do?”.

He inches in closer, oh god what is he going to do.

Maybe a kiss that would be nice.

No Jonah what are you thinking, you can’t do that your at school, other people are watching.

“Yes, how about I see you after school? And we can get to know each other”.

“Sure, I guess” I try to play it off cool.

“Alright I’ll meet you at the front doors” he tells me with a wink.

What does the wink mean.

Whatever happens with TJ, I can’t date him no matter how much I want to.

No one can find out I'm bisexual, I’ll get bullied.

I’m still sitting here, and TJ gets up and walks away, while I watch.

His ass cheeks swaying side to side with each step.

Does he even wear underwear?

It really looks like he is freeballing.

That thin cloth called gym shorts shows his outline of everything.

It is a great thing I don’t have any classes before lunch with Buffy or Andi.

I’m not ready to face them yet, not after what I said to their best friend.

People learn from their mistakes, right?

Well I made a big mistake, basically making Cyrus commit suicide.

And I learned a great deal from it.

Never will I ever bully someone for being gay again.

Not after what I did to Cyrus.

Not after learning I'm bisexual.

Bisexual, the word rang around in my head on repeat.

God I hate it.

I don't like labels.

I don't want the label of bisexual on me.

People look at my label and then judge me for it.

I absolutely do not want people to judge me for being bisexual.

Being bisexual is just, what I am, not who I am.

But having a label of bisexual label would make people think that's who I am, a bisexual.

That's not true at all.

Yes I know I'm bisexual but that's not who I am, I am Jonah Beck.

Why do humans feel the need to label people?

Labeling people is just giving people a cover for others to judge them on.

If you don't judge a book on its cover, then why would you judge a person on their label?

Exactly it doesn't make sense, labels suck I hate them.

Sure they can tell some stuff about me, but no label could express who I am.

My actions tell the world who I am.

Take Cyrus for example, he killed himself.

So you can label him as dead, or you could let his actions speak and learn from what he did to know he must of hated his life.

So which gave more information his actions or his label?

His actions of course.

No one needs to go around trying to label everyone.

Labels are helpful for food and such, but humans no way they are only hurtful.

“Jonah, you gonna get up?”.

I was screaming on the inside I didn't notice Craig creep up on me like that.

As I stood up I asked “Yeah, why?”.

Craig gave me a look like I'm stupid or something, “The bell rung we gotta get to class”.

What? 

Everyone had already cleared out, I guess I didn't even notice the bell ring.

8:06 really snuck up on me.

I tell him still amazed how out of it I was, “I didn't realize it was time for class, I guess I’m just really tired”.

Craig then asked “What's the matter, are you having trouble falling asleep?”, with a puzzled look.

I really didn't want to talk to anyone right now, “Nothing I'm fine, I just stayed up late playing a video game”.

He didn't look satisfied with my answer, like he knew I just lied to him.

“Okay, see ya around” Craig said before we left.

I faintly said “Bye”, he didn't hear me.

Whatever, I gotta scurry off to first period.

I didn’t do much class, I was too distracted by my thoughts.

At lunch I slouched dragging my worthless sack of flesh into the cafeteria to have to face Buffy and Andi.

I sat at a table by himself, and Andi stopped by dropped his phone onto the table without saying a word.

Great I guess she’s not gonna speak to me ever again.

Two of my frisbee friends noticed me sitting alone like the loser I am, and came over to me to investigate why I wasn’t sitting with them.

I took a deep breath and equipped my fake face.

“I uh, was just needing some alone time” I mumble out with my lips barely opening.

“Do you want us to leave?” Connor asked as confused as can be at Jonah’s strange actions.

“Yeah, I just need some time by myself” I tell the two of them.

“Okay” Logan said sounding dumb like always. 

With that both of them left Jonah alone.

Jonah pulled out his phone and deleted his conversation with the Goodman boy. 

Tempted to remove him on all social media, to get rid of all the reminders of what he did to Cyrus.

**(Time Skip - After School)**

Great, time to go and meet TJ at the front of the school.

TJ asks me, “Wanna go to the park?”.

Quickly I say, “Naw”.

A confused look was plastered on his face, “How ‘bout we go back to my place to watch a movie?”.

Umm, “Sure….” I said slowly holding out the ‘ur’.

“Sweet!” TJ looked excited, “Have you seen There Will Be Blood?”.

I'm assuming from that title that it's a scary movie, “Nope”.

Is it bad that I haven't seen it yet?

“Well good, we are gonna watch it”.

Teasing me now like I'm a baby, “Hope you can handle it”.

Seriously it's a movie I can handle it, “Phft, of course I can”.

I hope.

What am I getting myself into?

TJ has never shown any interest in me, is he up to something?

Oh no is this all a trap?

No it couldn't be, I'm a likeable guy, right?

TJ made basic small talk with me until we arrived at his house.

The house was different to say the least.

The size was like any normal suburban house on the street, with a second floor and possibly a attic.

It was a bright sunny yellow with pure white trim and the windows were tinted a very light blue.

I don't think I've ever see windows on a house that aren't clear.

It's not like a church with the stained glass, these windows are very easy to see out of.

“Cool windows” I complement.

Based off the face he made he's probably never had someone say something about his windows before.

“.... Thanks” he replied sheepishly.

TJ led me up onto the porch and into the house where we took off our shoes and jackets.

I thought he would have like a disc for the movie, but apparently he has it recorded on his DVR.

The sofa was larger than most I've seen, not to mention it was black leather.

I took the middle seat he took the one to the right of me.

This is weird I thought, I normally watch all movies with a blanket unless of course it's at a theater or school.

I guess I wasn't paying much attention because he was suddenly throwing a massive grey blanket over the two of us.

Not one of those normal thin blankets this one was thick as hell and heavy with padding.

Before starting the movie my legs went flying up, ‘cause TJ put the foot rests up without any warning.

We started the movie and right away it had someone get murdered splattering blood onto the screen that dripped down leaving enough blood to spell out the title of the movie.

It wasn't long before the movie got me thinking, it wasn't a ridiculous unlikely crazy killer on the loose.

This was a modern day psychopath capturing unsuspecting people and killing them as a twisted game.

This could happen to me like before school or after school, and that thought terrified me.

A little while back it was showing a typical white girl running from the killer and right at the good part it switched over to another storyline.

“Ah!” I screamed jumping a little.

I forgot about that and when it switched back again out if nowhere it went from a calm happy nature scene to this woman getting her head bashed in with a stone.

I was as stiff as a log at this point, how was TJ not scared, I glanced over at him and he was smiling.

What the fuck who smiles at a horror movie, apparently TJ Kippen does.

“Relax Jonah” TJ said taking a arm around my back and pulling me over, where I'm now sideways laying down on his lap.

I turn me head up to TJ, who's staring down at me, “What?” I ask.

“Nothin’ your just adorable. You know that right?”.

Adorable?

What does that mean should I be glad or angry?

I gotta say something, “I am?”.

“Yep, it's hard to not lean down and kiss you” he said with a confident smirk.

Imagining the basketball player leaning down to kiss me, got my cheeks flushed with a rosey pink.

“Then why don't you?” I say trying to get him feeling as awkward as I am right now.

“Cuz I wanna wait till school for everyone to see”.

What!?!!

Is he crazy, does he not recall what happened to Cyrus.

I got a horrible feeling balled up in my stomach twisting and churning in hard knots.

“TJ are you serious? Remember Cyrus?” I say profoundly past a audible level.

“Yes I sure am serious” he paused almost like he's holding in a laugh, what could be so funny, “I want everyone to know I l-lovvve you”.

I became skeptical of this whole kiss thing he said love really strange kinda like it was forced out.

Getting cocky now I tell him, “Prove it. Show that you love me, kiss me right now”.

Man I'm clever if he doesn't kiss me I'll know he's lying or pretending or something, but why would he do that?.

A hand cups the side of my face, and he looks into my eyes like he's trying to figure me out.

Here it comes, he's really gonna do it.

I close my eyes in the moment and he plants his lips on mine.

Still holding my head, he pulls away very slightly enough to speak in a low whisper, “D__’_ y_u _ov_ me?”.

The movie made it hard to hear him, ultimately ruining our moment.

“What did you say?” I ask still in a romantic daze from my first kiss with another boy.

Damn it felt so good, but I know it was wrong.

Boys like girls, I tell myself, that's how it is.

No way I really like him, this must be some weird phase I'm going through.

Interrupting my thought process, “I said, Don't you love me?”.

“No” I absentmindedly said, “Maybe, Yes” I paused for a short bit as he took in my answer, “I don't know, I think I do”.

“I think you do, try giving me a kiss” Yeah I think it's official TJ does like me back.

“Oh Kay”, now it's my turn to lead the kiss, I'm not sure if I can.

It's a sin, I'm a sinner, I should be burning in hell with Cyrus, in fact I'm worse than Cyrus.

TJ patiently awaiting another kiss, I sit up and study his face, he looks slightly worried.

He must be worried about me not doing this, to try and take away his worry, I peck his lips.

“You're not very good at this” he jokingly said.

I'm going to admit that did hurt my feelings.

It shouldn't have because TJ shouldn't matter to me, I should be kissing a girl like Andi.

It's too late for that Andi hates me, and I can't blame her what I did to Cyrus was cruel.

He was right to think that I liked him back, but there was no way I was ever going to admit to being a fag like him.

A tear escaped my eye, I'm sorry, I sniffed.

TJ noticed the tear and swiped it off, “What's wrong?”.

Wow from what Buffy told me about TJ I didn’t think he could be concerned for someone other than himself.

“You” I weakly let out.

“What? You're not making any sense”.

At this point I just spilled it, “TJ you're making me feel things I don’t want to, I don't want to end up like Cyrus”.

“Awe, it's okay Jonah, I'll protect you from any bullies”.

“Where were you for Cyrus when he got bullied?” I asked getting slightly angry.

“I didn't like him like I do you, and I didn't know he'd overreact and take his own life”.

I guess he's right, our school had a major change of heart after the Cyrus incident with multiple assemblies from suicide prevention to bullying all the way to LGBT pep rallies.

I know some people will still hate me, like they should, but there will probably always be bullying no one stands up for each other.

TJ makes me happy, I'm just gonna have to take a risk and trust him on this.

I wanna be happy despite not deserving to be happy.

I never thought I'd be a nasty faggot like Cyrus, and now I know, he couldn't change the way he felt.

I'm so sorry Cyrus, it's too late now I already screwed up big, I'm never going to be able to forgive myself.

We finished our movie and TJ filled me in on the part that we missed with our sinful actions.

Later that night when I was back home I got a message request from TJ that read, *Hey sexy ;)*.

Reading that made me feel swooned, I felt loved.

I swiftly replied back, *Sup also sexy* I felt strange calling a guy sexy, maybe I'll get used to it.

He responded back quick with, *Can't wait to hold ur hand through the halls of school tomorrow*.

Umm, I'm still uneasy about this whole ordeal, *R u sure that's a good idea?*.

*Yes, boyfriend's hold each others hands*

*Whoa hold up, who said we r boyfriend's?*

*Sorry, what's stopping us, will u be my boyfriend?*

Well no one else will probably love me, *Yes!*

*Cya in the morning…. Boyfriend ;)*

Mom dad, I have a boyfriend, just kidding I would never tell my parents that.

Sleep was not easy to obtain that night from the worries and possibilities of how tomorrow will play out.

**(Next Day - At School)**

Jefferson Middle School, I read the jumbo letters atop the school.

A place where I swear I'm going to regret what I do today.

I didn't see TJ anywhere in sight, maybe he's not here yet.

My phone vibrated on my leg, I slipped it out to see a new message from my secret boyfriend that won't be secret for long, *Morning babe, meet me upstairs by the science rooms*.

Oo this sounds interesting and fun, *Kk*.

My mind raced with all the thoughts of what he is planning on.

“Aye, handsome lookin’ good like always” TJ greeted me.

He really knows how to make me smile.

Everything from there happened so fast.

He buttered me up, and swayed me into a kiss right there in the hall, where I thought no one was watching.

Turns out his friend recorded the whole thing and jumped out hiding after the kiss.

TJ shoved me to the ground and shouted, “You fucking retard, I can't believe you seriously thought I loved you, never in a million years would I go so low and be a fucking queer ass faggot! I'm going to expose you to the whole damn school, so you can get what you deserve!”.

That was it I couldn’t respond my worst fear of today came true.

I knew it seemed fake or forced with TJ and I was wrong to think that someone would ever love me.

I curled up into a ball crying while TJ and his friend are probably still recording.

But I didn't care, my life is already ruined.

I deserve this, no I deserve worse than this.

I'm not going to be like Cyrus and find a escape from all this, because unlike him I deserve to suffer.

School was bad kids looked at me differently, my friends didn't wanna talk to me or be around me.

I got called names and occasionally shoved, and little stuff pencils thrown at me in class or my papers thrown to ground and my backpack getting unzipped.

I just let it all happen, it's not like there is anything I could do about it.

I can’t confide in the counselor because she can't do anything to protect me outside of her office.

I had to fend for myself, the whole school including staff was against me.

Days went by and I got use to the treatment, I started wearing a hoodie so I could hide my ugly face and go unnoticed.

Clearly I didn't go unnoticed but it worked a little.

I just did my classwork despite the other students making it difficult.

Andi and Buffy and my old friends would see this stuff happening and turn the other way.

I am hopeless, and helpless.

Cyrus found his escape, but I will never find mine.

I'm trapped in this cruel unforgiving world with nobody to take my side expect for the one I've made disappear for good.

I'm sorry for everything I've done.

Cyrus I'm sorry, I didn't know what you were going through.

I'm playing the world's worst game, where there are no winners.

Its called…

Karma.

**The End!**

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**Author's Note:**

> Whoa I am finished with my first fanfiction! So yay, I finished something I started. Please leave a review that was painful to write.


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